the special two

1:30am on an audition day and i can’t sleep. as i listen to my iPod, this song came on. now, i tend to obsess over an artist or a song until i can’t stand them move onto others. i am currently on a hiatus regarding the Missy Higgins obsession but when this song came on, i remembered how affected i am by her lyrics. and in a world of flashy videos, the starkness of this just adds to the isolation this song evokes for me. enjoy

i’ve hardly been outside my room in days
coz i don’t feel that i deserve the sunshine’s rays
the darkness helped until the whiskey wore away
and it was then i realized that conscience never fades

when you’re young, you have this image of your life
that you’ll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife
and you make boundaries you never dreamed to cross
and if you happen to, you wake completely lost

but i will fight for you
be sure that i will fight til we’re the special two
once again

and we will only need each other
we’ll bleed together
our hands will not be taught to hold another’s
coz we’re the special two
and we could only see each other
we’ll breathe together
these arms will not be taught to need another’s
coz we’re the special two

i remember someone old once said to me
that lies will lock you up, with truth the only key
but i was comfortable and warm inside my shell
and couldn’t see this place could soon become my hell

so is it better to tell and hurt, or lie to save their face
well i guess the answer is, don’t do it in the first place
i know i’m not deserving of your trust from you right now
but if by chance you change your mind, you know i will not let you down
coz we’re the special two
and we’ll be again

and we will only need each other
we’ll bleed together
our hands will not be taught to hold another’s
coz we’re the special two
and we could only see each other
we’ll breathe together
these arms will not be taught to need another’s
we were the special two

i step outside my mind’s eyes for a minute
and i look over me like a doctor looking for disease
or something that could ease the pain
but nothing cures the hurt you, you bring on by yourself
just remembering, just remembering how we were

when we would only need each other
we’d bleed together
these hands would not be taught to hold another’s
we were the special two
and we could only see each other
we’d bleed together
these arms will not be taught to need another’s
coz we’re the special two

birthday wish

TRAVEL. TRAVEL. TRAVEL.

where? that’s yet to be decided. with whom? i seriously don’t know. i’m not averse to traveling by myself though. anyway, here are my choices in no particular order:

1. New York City
as beautiful as vancouver is, sometimes if pains me to live here when i hear that another broadway show has closed. i’ve missed so many: spring awakening, legally blonde, 9 to 5, title of show, a chorus line, etc. these are the ones i want to watch this time around:

yes. dreamgirls is going to open on broadway. i am BEYOND excited!!! i’m also re-watching West Side Story and In The Heights not only because they’re both such awesome productions, but because i lost my ticket stubs on the way back to vancouver. and i ALWAYS keep my ticket stubs (i’m even buying a ticket stub book to keep them in). apart from that, i’d just love to some more exploring of the city i love. walking through central park, tea in the plaza hotel, shopping in SoHo, walking on the Brooklyn Bridge, visiting the MET, riding the subway to coney island, and of course, going into Birland (it happened down in Birlaaand!).

2. London

i’ve never been to London, which makes this a serious contender. of course, i can’t forget my love for live theatre so a stop to the West End is a must. i’d love to see Avenue Q, Dirty Dancing, Grease, Hairspray, Sister Act, and The Rat Pack. i’d also love to see a proper ballet or an opera. i’d like to window shop in Selfridges and Harrods, walk around the Knightsbridge area, take a stroll through Hyde Park, witness the changing of the guard, see Buckingham Palace & Big Ben. oh, and i’d like to walk on the bridge the death eaters ripped apart during the opening scene of Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince. yeah…

3. Hawaii

i’m not sure which island i’d like to go to; i’d need to ask someone for advice on this area. aside from laying on the beach and getting an awesome tan, i’d love to visit a volcano (the less dormant, the better!), eat the awesome food, go snorkeling, and just appreciate the beauty of this place.

4. Orlando, Florida

5 word: WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER. enough said. no? ok, fine. the last time i was there i only had one day to spend in Disney World. ONE DAY… in DISNEY WORLD. yeah, i know. i’d love to see SeaWorld Orlando too. i love animals . especially animals that swim.

so there’s my list. of course, none of these will come to pass unless i get that job i want. aaaand thank you, reality check.

one more time

Luke 5: 1-6

One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, with the people crowding around him and listening to the word of God, he saw at the water’s edge two boats, left there by the fishermen , who were washing their nets. He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from the shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat.

When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.”

Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”

When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break.

discouragement… it’s difficult, feeling discouraged. so at 23 i find myself wanting to give up because for 7 years i’ve worked hard honing my skills, left PraiseTEAM to pursue my dream only to be sidelined by a $5,000 surgery that i can’t afford. at this point, i didn’t know what to think. does God NOT want me to pursue my will but His? if so, what is His will for me?

a lot of things happened. things that have left me slightly depressed and VERY discouraged. people who know me KNOW i’ve never aspired to be a kept woman. i had my OWN dreams, my OWN aspirations. and yet at the height (or should i say depth?) of my sadness i found myself only dreaming of finding The One and having him take care of me as opposed to my usual dream of having my own career (whatever it is) and taking care of myself. this might come as a shock to people but i came to the point where i didn’t want to sing anymore. and every morning when i woke up i told God i was giving up on this dream. that i was done trying and i didn’t want to do it anymore.

saturday morning i found myself reading my Bible, which led me to the passage above. like simon, i had “worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything.” i felt that God was telling me to “cast my net” one more time. then the next sunday during the Emmy awards i felt like God spoke to me thru some of the winners. they said something along the lines of, “if you have a dream, don’t give up.” hey, if God can use a donkey…

anyway, monday morning i woke up and decided i’ll keep pressing on. God gave me this gift for a reason and i need to use it. and as my friend Kim said: maybe God allowed this to happen because He wants me to spend more time with Him. for the last couple of years i’ve been so busy performing that I forgot Him, the reason i can perform to begin with. see if i had a choice, i’d be going non-stop until no one wants to hear me sing anymore. for years i’ve neglected friendships and my relationship with Him for a dream that might not even come true. maybe God just wants me to slow down for a bit so i can develop some new friendships and my relationship with Him. because what good is a dream with no one to share it with?

so if you’re reading this… whoever you are, whatever your situation… KEEP PRESSING ON.

i was sure by now
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away
stepped in and saved the day
but once again, i say “Amen”
and it’s still raining

as the thunder rolls
i barely hear Your whisper thru the rain
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
i raise my hands and praise the God who gives
and takes away

i will praise You in this storm
and i will lift my hands
coz You are who You are
no matter where i am
and every tear i’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
i will praise You in this storm

have you any dreams you’d like to sell?

last night while i was sleeping:

an unknown lady had orchestrated the unbelievable and arranged a marriage between her son and myself. she even tricked my friends and family into believing that it was a marriage built on the foundation of true love (the liar). while they were understandably confused, they chose to support me on my supposed “Big Day.”

everything was set. decorations, dresses, etc. i remember i was wearing a strapless dress with a simple bodice and a ruffled skirt that ended just below my knees. odd that i didn’t have flowers, though. anyways, i was freaking out but was so confused with the goings on that i didn’t have the mind to halt proceedings and just run off. so they opened the doors and everyone stands and looks at me…. crap….

despite the ridiculousness of the situation, i find myself appreciating the beauty of what was before me. we were in a courtyard, the sun shining and the sky was a gorgeous blue. in the end of the courtyard were two sets of stairs curving to meet in the middle. the space in between the stairs was filled with a beautiful waterfall. at the top of the stairs was my husband-to-be and his wretched mother.

my feet propel me forward while my mind willed them to STOP. i see my father sitting close to the front. wait, isn’t he supposed to be walking me down the aisle? i stop and beckoned him over. when he offers me his arm to hold, we continue walking down the aisle. halfway down he whispered to me, “are you sure you want to do this?” tears start to fall down my face and i looked down in an attempt to cover my sadness as i wasn’t wearing a veil. for some reason, i couldn’t answer him. but he could sense my sorrow even before he walked up to me. still, i felt that i needed to go and get married. even if it was the last thing i wanted to do, i felt this compulsion to finish what was started for me. then my father said, “you don’t have to do this.” it seems that was all i needed to hear. permission from my father not to go thru with this travesty. so as i reached the top of the stairs, i looked at the stranger i was supposed to marry in the eye and said, “do you want to marry me?” he looks at me, surprised. and says, “no.”

his witch of a mother starts spluttering behind him insisting we get married. but i just smiled and walked back down the stairs with my daddy.

odd that later on in the dream, i truly WAS getting married (to a man i WANTED marry) and he was taking me dress shopping. haha! my dreams are on crack!

tell me when our change is go’n come

“It’s always at the back of my mind that acting might come to an end for me when Harry Potter finishes. I don’t know if I’m good enough to have a long career. I’ve got a bit of an inferiority complex about my acting. My self-esteem is quite low in that sense.” 
-Rupert Grint

“Until something comes along that I feel as strongly about as I did Hermione – like, I felt that it was life or death – I don’t want to act again.”
-Emma Watson

 

rant sesh in 3….2….1….

 

SERIOUSLY?! S-R-S-L-Y?!

you are part of, arguably, THE MOST SUCCESSFUL film franchise in the history of film franchises! you have MILLIONS of money! you have the leeway and the finances to do WHICHEVER project you want! you actually HAVE TALENT! and you’re THROWING IT AWAY!

whywhywhywhywhy?!?!

don’t get me wrong, i understand they have other interests. good for them, seriously. but  for those of us struggling to get our foot in the proverbial door , it all seems like such a waste. 

don’t even get me started on these artists who have gone off the rails. people with legitimate talent who waste their abilities away on drugs and alcohol (hello: amy winehouse, lindsey lohan, et al).  

like i said, “such a waste.” we can all do SO MUCH with the talents we have. we have the power to touch people’s lives with our gifts! we can uplift, we can bring people joy, we can ease their suffering, we can awe, we can inspire! 

to see someone who has been bestowed with such an AMAZING opportunity just nonchalantly dismiss the art that has given them so much in return kind of breaks my heart a little bit. 

and now i am getting off my soapbox…

got to find my corner…

Everything has its season
Everything has its time
Show me a reason and I’ll soon show you a rhyme
Cats fit on the windowsill
Children fit in the snow
Why do I feel I don’t fit in anywhere I go?

Every man has his daydreams
Every man has his goals
People like the way dreams have of sticking to the soul
Thunderclouds have their lightning 
Nightingales have their song
And don’t you see I want my life to be something more than long

So many men seem destined to settle for something small
But I won’t rest until I know I’ll have it all
So don’t ask me where I’m going just listen when I’m gone
And far away you’ll hear me singing softly to the dawn

Rivers belong where they can ramble 
Eagles belong where they can fly
I’ve got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

ell-oh-ell

dani: “hey, did you know they sell kangaroo scrotum in australia?
menelaine: “what’s a scrotum?”
dani: “it’s a part of the male -”
melanie: “balls.”
dani: “…i was trying to be more eloquent about it, but yeah.”

i’ll really miss it one day

i’m leaving today
i’m living it, leaving it to change
but somehow i’ll miss it
i think i’ll really miss it
one day…

 

 

some people live in one place their whole lives.

and me? well, i had the privilege of moving around 4 times between the age of 9 and 16. which doesn’t sound too bad. but when you consider the fact that one of those times required packing up our lives and moving to Canada from the Philippines while another required moving from toronto to vancouver one whole year later… well, you would agree it was quite an overhaul, yes?

moving is difficult, no doubt, but it was especially hard for me. i was a shy young girl who didn’t make friends easily and i left behind some potentially lasting best-friendships. in fact, looking at their pictures now (they’re close friends, to this very day) still causes a pang of jealousy in my gut. every time someone mentions knowing someone since they were babies, or talks about activities they used to do as children, there goes that same pang. 

i wanted that. part of me still wants it. but life rarely allows you your preferred comforts. while i may not have memories to share of friends when we were in diapers, i do have close friends now. ones who i love dearly. who i hope i can count as friends many years from now. one day, maybe OUR children will have those memories. 

but sometimes our dreams and desires lead us away. i used to dread the thought. but lately, i’ve been welcoming the change. the fresh start. the longer i stay here, the more i realize that aside from friends and family, there’s nothing keeping me here. and there’s a tugging in my heart that i can no longer ignore. i tried hard to push those dreams down. i tried to go down another path. but it seems i need to stay on this one. but my fear of leaving behind my loved ones has halted my journey. i’ve been stuck on one spot now for what seems like many years. and i feel it’s about time i take that step.

but when you’ve been stationary for so long, you forget how to lift your foot up and move forward. i know what i need to do, but i don’t know how to do it. i know what i want, but i don’t know how to get it. some things just aren’t as simple as going to school, getting a degree, and applying for a job. 

but steps need to be taken. because the more i remain stationary, the unhappier i become. the more apathetic i become. and that’s a dangerous place to be. because when i no longer care, what do i have? this has been my life for so long. what do i have without it? 

so here’s to taking life one step at a time. here’s to taking chances. here’s to taking risks. 

 

 

i wanna be like mike

I play to win, whether during practice or a real game.
And I will not let anything get in the way of me
and my competitive enthusiasm to win. 

 

i, admittedly, am not a big follower of sports (except during the olympics). but i can certainly appreciate the dedication, strength, mental tenacity, etc. that many athletes possess. 

take michael jordan for example. many people have heralded LeBron or Kobe as heir to the “greatest NBA player ever” throne. and though i may not be able to critique their performances to make an educated opinion, i still firmly believe that jordan has never vacated said throne. why? one word: focus.

again, my observations are based on very few moments where i have seen said players in action. but there’s something about michael jordan that sets him apart from every one else. even with my ignorance, i could sense a mental strength few other players had. he was FOCUSED. he had a goal and he barreled towards it. he never gave his opponents an inch. he was RUTHLESS in his pursuit. 

i wanna be like mike.

because it’s easy to get complacent when there’s no “real” opponent around you. unlike in sports, you share the court/field/etc with your opponent. there’s a clear battle of wills and skill. but in my world, you take the stage then you get off. meanwhile people judge you based on someone’s subjective evaluations. and unless the people you shared the stage with are CLEARLY more horrible then you, then there’s no clear “winner” either. 

long story short: i’ve become too comfortable. 

and so it’s time to get out of my rut. it’s time to get ruthless. not towards other people, but towards myself, my dreams, my skills. it’s time to stop settling for what i have and start wanting more. it’s time to banish my fear of failing AND succeeding. it’s time to have a hand in my future instead of waiting idly for it to materialize in front of me. it’s time to focus. it’s time to attack my dreams. 

time to be like mike…

 

 

in the mood

haven’t been on here in a while. admittedly, i haven’t found much to write about. you can blame that on the many conversations i’ve had with friends as of late. i find that more i have actual conversations, the less i feel like “blogging.” but today, as i watched the Oscars, i started to to think about a story. it goes like this:

a young woman falls madly in love with a man who was in a very serious (and very long) relationship with someone else prior. although he was adamant that he wasn’t looking for another serious relationship, her enthusiasm in pursuing him finally broke down his walls. as they embarked on the wonderful adventure called “love,” she found herself becoming so enveloped in being with him that she would’ve done anything to convince him to stay with her. she told him she loved him, but he never reciprocated her love. yes, he cared for her. but he just wasn’t ready to love her. in truth, he still very much loved the woman he was with before. but she didn’t mind. she vowed that everyday she would show him just how much she loved him until he loved her back. and just when she thought he finally would, he left her to be with his beloved.

i know, it’s depressing. but that’s what i came up with . anyways, i was in the mood to try my hand at songwriting. this is the first time i’ve done anything of the sort, so be kind .

i loved you more than my mind would admit
though my actions betrayed me
but i would walk to the end of the earth
yes, i would walk to the end of the earth
for you…

you consumed my mind day in, day out
til i forgot who i was before this
and i would wait til the end of time
yes, i would wait til the end of time
for you…

what would i have changed to keep you here?
would you have stayed if i said, “dear,
take everything i have.”

in the wisdom of your eyes i saw
everything i ever wanted and sought
but you left me for her again
why’d you leave me for her again?

baby, what can i do to change your mind?
why is it you weren’t able to find
enough of me to love?

what else can i say to convince
you that i’ve wanted you ever since
i first laid eyes on you?

i loved you more than my mind would admit
i still love you more than my mind would admit

i know it’s repetitive. but i fully intended for it to be so. i thought the repetitiveness was her way of telling herself he’s gone (over and over again) so she can finally start to heal.